dontwanna (lifetime)
notes on a new song + los angeles + partynextdoor
I’ve grown to despise Los Angeles.
My first visit was when I was 18, a brief stop on the way to finish I’ll Forget 17 in the UK. It was the first place i’d been to overseas (other than Australia) and it was bright and magnificent. I came back later to play some shows with the band and work with Dahi (story for another time)
I moved there when I was 19, after signing a publishing deal that gave me a whole bunch of money to spend. When I look back on this time I mostly feel sorry for myself, but grateful for the learning experience. I wanted to be a songwriter. I’d fallen in love with the craft of pop music and wanted more than anything to be a part of it. It took me a long time to realise that I was a whole lot better at being myself than I was at being another miscellaneous writer in the room.
When I came back to LA in November last year I regretted it immediately, looking to change my flights back home almost as soon as I’d arrived. I felt like I’d done so much ~internal work~ unlearning the LA way of making music and finding the joy of writing a song in my bedroom again, not giving a second thought to anything other than the song in that moment. Being in that environment again honestly triggered some kind of fight or flight response.
I didn’t change my flight. I stuck it out and did a few sessions, though mostly I spent the time with my friend Hugo, listening to screen recordings of PARTYNEXTDOOR playing unreleased songs on IG Live. One day Hugo was going to be out all day so I sat in his studio and wrote ‘dontwanna’
I know I’m writing a good song when I don’t have to think about it, when I’m acting on pure instincts. The words coming out smooth and the melodies stick like I’ve been sitting on them for years. I wish I could share this experience with everyone I meet. There’s nothing like it.
When I first heard PARTYNEXTDOOR in 2013 (on the OVO blogspot!) I felt certain that I’d just heard the best music I’d ever heard in my life. I still feel this way. Wus Good / Curious still melts me completely. It’s effortless and cool but full of melancholy. It breaks my heart even if the lyrics are far from heartbreaking. Genuinely everytime I hear his voice I get chills. I saw Lunice play the song ‘Make A Mil’ at Splore in 2014 and it’s one of the greatest musical experiences of my life, just hearing PND on a massive sound system.
‘dontwanna’ reminds me of those PND songs. It’s one of my favourite songs I’ve ever made. Thank you everyone who has listened and sent me kind words already. I felt so satisfied after making it that I almost forgot that I would get to feel that again when I shared it with the world. I have a bunch more songs in the vein of this that I hope I can share soon. Another one in a few weeks probably but I have so much music to put out it’s going to get a bit wild.
And just a quick note on this James Blake nonsense. I wrote a little on Instagram about it but I can’t stress it enough - if you are making music please just put it out. Put it out and then make some more. In any format you want. It’s not deeper than that. I know it’s scary, and it’s vulnerable to put yourself out there when you’re not sure if anyone will care. You will regret it if you don’t. The only true regret I have in my career is not writing and releasing more when I could have.
talk soon
xx
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